Last night I found myself in bed unable to go to sleep. That was probably due to my 3 hour nap, but I digress. I found myself thinking about a quote from a book I recently read. The main character was talking to someone about how scary it is to fall in love with another person. He said that love makes the difficult things easy. Yes, it was a romance novel. I just can’t help myself!!!
This quote kept going through my mind last night and I thought about my life, in the real world, and how this applies to me. In the grand scheme of life I know that my life is pretty cushy! I am blessed with a husband who loves me, children, a beautiful home, and a life of privilege. I have lived in China for several years and I know that I have many advantages that others in this world are not so fortunate to possess. That being said, I have often struggled with depression and have found, at times, that life can be difficult and there are times I despair of feeling good about myself.
In light of this revelation, last night I thought about how love can make the difficulties of my life easy. I found myself asking questions like, “How can love make me want to be active and productive?” “How can love give me the energy to try and make choices where I engage life and not hide from it by napping or burying myself in a book?” “How can love make a difference in my life?”
Now I am not talking about not being loved. I am loved. My husband lets me know how much he loves by telling me often, by desiring to be with me, through stopping and giving me a hug or a kiss, or many other ways of showing his love. I know my friends love me. I do not doubt the love of my girls or my family. I feel blessed to have the love of so many different people. So, it is not the love of others that makes the difference I am seeking. It is not a self love either. I will not pretend to not love myself. I take care of my needs to the point that I feel, at times, that I put myself before those I love.
What love makes difficult things easy? This may sound like a no brainer, but the love Papa God has for me is the answer! I am amazed to find that I still need to marinate in the fact that I am truly loved and accepted by Papa. I keep thinking that there is something I must “do” in order to feel righteous and whole. I guess the Benjamin Franklin saying about God helping those who help themselves is still very much ingrained in my heart and mind.
Before the finished work of Jesus on the Cross mankind had a lot of laws to follow in order to feel at peace with Papa. I remember the first time I read about mold in the book of Leviticus and how it was to be treated by the Israelites. I remember thinking that all that was required was so hard. If someone found mold in their house they were to draw a circle around it and have the priest come look at it. If it grew in a month there were rituals you were to follow and if it did not grow there were other rituals to follow. I remember being struck by the thought that God wants me to be diligent in all areas of my life and I had to be on guard less mold start growing somewhere. I felt that it was up to me and I pulled myself up by the boot straps to tackle life and drive out all of my impurities. I mean, if God cared about mold in a persons home, how much more does He care about the sin in me?
That kind of thinking has really trapped me into beating myself up and lead to more and more condemnation. In the last two years I have been seeping in the love of Papa God. Whenever I feel compelled to do something to fix a problem (as I see it) Papa is right there saying, “Rest in me and know that it is finished!” That has been harder than I thought it would. I’m an American after all and we are doers! Resting in Papa’s love is not natural for me. It is surprising me that there are still pockets of thinking where I feel I must “do” in order to be in the love of Papa.
Last night I was thinking about love, true Love that Papa God has given to me in abundance and what an impact that can make in my life. I wish I had come up with some definitive answers as to what being in His love will look like for me. Wouldn’t it be great if I could tell you how to live in His love and experience the abundant life? I cannot give you a 7 step program or a list of do’s and don’ts to follow. It is about a relationship with Papa and resting in His love. I feel that for the first time in a really long time that I am finally getting it. Papa loves me, I am fully righteous, I a whole with nothing lacking. For right now that is all I need to focus on. The rest will take care of itself.
Blessings!
